Best Sewing & Knitting Jokes

We LOVE jokes and puns about sewing and knitting.

Here we have gathered all the best jokes and one-liners we have come across. Pour yourself a nice cup of tea or coffee and lean back. It’s time for a good laugh!

We have categorized all the jokes and puns into small categories. You can click the “table of content” just below to jump directly to each category 🙂

The Best Sewing Jokes

Funny jokes about knitting and quilting

Sewing Dad Jokes

  • My friend composes songs about sewing machines. He’s a Singer-songwriter.
  • If you are freaking out over a sewing project, don’t worry. What you are experiencing is called “Seamstress’ed”. It’s a quite common phenomenon among people who sew.
  • I can’t remember any sewing jokes, I’m running out of materials.
  • My wife’s sewing machine isn’t working properly. Not sure what’s wrong with it though, it just seams a little off.
  • If your block isn’t working right, just try turning it around. Maybe it will work left.
  • How did you know the thief was a seamstress? She seemed to be following a pattern.
  • How did you know my wife just started sewing? She never finishes her quilting projects.
  • What do you call a gathering of quilters? A block party.
  • How do quilting babies learn to walk? With a walking foot.
  • Why couldn’t Santa convince the quilter to come to visit? he didn’t have enough backing.
  • How do a seamstress travel? Stitch-hiking.
  • What did the quilter blame for having too many children? Reproduction fabric.
  • Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? Because they drop all their needles.
  • Girl: Hi Doctor, have you found out what my condition is yet? Doctor: Yes, do you like sewing? Girl: Yes, but what does that have to do with any of this? Doctor: You seam-stressed.

 

One liners

 

  • Let me sew and no one gets hurt
  • Nothing hunts us like the fabric we didn’t buy
  • Sewing is cheaper than Therapy
  • Of course I talk to myself when I sew. Sometimes I need expert advice.
  • To sew or not to sew. What a silly question.
  • Hand me my seam ripper, then slowly back away.
  • I just spent two hours organizing my stockpile of fabric. I think I will reward myself with a trip to the fabric store.
  • I only quilt on days that end in “y”.
  • Blessed are the children of quilters. They shall inherit the quilts.
  • I count my salary in yards of fabric.
  • I might look like I’m listening to you but in my head, I’m sewing.
  • I’m not a hoarder, I just need a bigger craft room.
  • I’m only hugging you to see if that fabric is wool or polyester.
  • Dear Lord, please let me come home before my online orders of fabric arrives. Or at least before my husband.
  • A clean house is a strong sign that the sewing machine is broken.
  • I’m a fabricaholic on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m on the way to the fabric store.
  • My dream world? A place where the fabric is free and sewing make you thin.

Quilting Jokes

  • A man and a quilt will both keep you warm at night, but a quilt never says anything stupid.
  • Quilting, as much fun as you can have without shaving your legs.
  • You know you’re a quilter if you pet fabric.
  • Remember people will see your quilts long after you are gone. Not your housework.
  • Sewing doesn’t solve all the problems in the world. Sometimes you need to quilt as well.
  • I’ve got scraps. They’re multiplying.

Bad sewing puns

  • Look there they are all my scissors. Still sharp and neatly ordered. Said no seamstress ever.
  • I’m not easily distracted, I… wait is that fabric you have laying over there?
  • Yes, I have a sewing machine and yes I like to sew. No, I don’t want to hem your pants or fix your curtains for 1/3 the price of a tailor. Do it yourself if you think it takes a minute.
  • Dear fabric store worker. Don’t ask me what I’m making, I’m running out of code words. It’s going in my fabric stash.
  • I’m a quilting grandma. Much like a normal grandma. Except much cooler.
  • Me at the fabric store: Should I buy this piece of fabric for my stash? Head: No, Wallet: No, Store owner: No. Husband: Heck no. Me: I’ll take 5 yards, please.

The best jokes about sewing and knitting

Sewing Riddles

  • What do you call two needles?
    Twin Needles!
  • When is a fabric stash a collection?
    When it gets out of control.
  • What do you call the UPS truck?
    A Fabric truck.
  • What’s the opposite of irony?
    Wrinkly.

Sewing comic strips

Hilarious sewing comic strips

Singer sewing machine jokes

  • Two sewing machines are sitting in a bar.. And one says: “Are you a singer?” and the other one replies: “Why? Ja-no-me?”.

Knitting Jokes

Knitting dad jokes

  • My wife was teaching her best friend how to knit. She was doing quite well but for some extra encouragement I said:
    “The basics are simple enough. It’s when you get into the knitty gritty that things start to unravel.
    Wife and friend shake their heads, so I say “Sorry, I didn’t mean for my purls of wisdom to needle you.”
    More groans…
    “Still,” I said, “at least I kept it short and sweet. I mean, I could’ve spun you a proper yarn.”
    Wife to friend: “Right, pass me that soddin’ knitting needle…!”

  • If I knit fast enough, does it count as aerobics?
  • If you want to know more about string theory, ask someone who knits.
  • Did you hear the story about the cat who swallowed a ball or yarn? She had mittens
  • My sewing class is a tight knit group.

Funny stories

  • A piece of yarn enters a bar all alone and tries to order a drink. The bartender snarls,
    “We don’t serve your kind here!”.
    The yarn is forced to leave.
    While sitting outside the bar and feeling all alone, the yarn suddenly comes up with a brilliant idea. Working quickly, he ties himself into a knot and unravels the ends. Taking a deep breath, the yarn boldly walks back into the bar and orders a beer instead.
    Hey!” says the bartender. “Ain’t you that piece of yarn I just threw outta here?
    “Nope,” replies the yarn, “I’m a frayed knot.”
  • A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time.
    Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window……
    “Pullover”!!
    “No,” she shouts back, “a pair of socks!”
  • The doctor told me to get more fiber, so I went to the local yarn store after work.
  • An old lady walked into a butcher’s shop and shouted at the butcher.
    “That leg of lamb you sold me last week, shrunk by six inches when I cooked it”
    “That’s funny” said the butcher “My missis knitted me a jumper, and when she washed it, it shrunk by six inches”
    “Must have been from the same sheep”
  • Local police hunting the ‘knitting-needle nutter’ who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
  • A grandmother sat on her porch knitting three socks when someone walked by and asked, “Why are you knitting three socks?”
    The grandmother replied:  “Because my grandson said he’s grown a foot since joining the Army.”
  • A woman walks into a yarn store and asks for a length of wool yarn. The shopkeeper asks,”How long do you need it?” The lady, new to the hobby of crochet, thought it over, then responded, “I guess I’ll need it for a pretty long time. I’m going to make a sweater!”
  • How can you tell when you’ve had too much coffee?
    When you’ve just finished knitting your third sweater in a week, and you don’t even know *how* to knit!
  • A mother took her little boy to church.
    While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”
    The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.”
    The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.“
    The father looked at him and said, “Okay, just whisper in my ear.”

One-liners about knitting

  • When I started knitting I forgot how to cook
  • To knit or not to knit, now that’s just a silly question!
  • Housework is for those who do not know how to knit.
  • Knitting is cheaper than therapy
  • If you want to know about string
  • You can make fun about my knitting, but remember, I’m the one with the pointy sticks.
  • Eat, knit, laugh, repeat.
  • ProcastiKNITting: To defer all other activities besides knitting.
  • I’m not addicted to knitting, I can stop after just one more row.

Knitting riddles

  • How do knitters travel?
    By cable car.
  • Why did the sheep avoid going to bars?
    She didn’t like being carded!
  • Why did the hog farmer give up knitting?
    He didn’t want to cast his purls before swine!
  •  What do you get when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
    A wooly jumper.
  • How do knitters get into Heaven?
    Through the “purly” gates.
  • What happens if you dip a blue skein of yarn and a gray hook into the Red Sea?
    They get wet!
  • What did the wife spider say to her husband when he tried to explain why he was late?
    You are spinning me a yarn here!

Knitting comic strips

Sewing Memes

Knitting Memes

Fun facts about sewing & knitting

  • Ronald Regan announced September as “National Sewing Month” in 1982. He did so to honor sewing in the home.
  • Initially, knitting was primarily a man’s job. In fact, women were not allowed to knit in Paris until several decades after men had made knitting unions.
  • The word “Knit” is derived from the Old English word “cnyttan”. That means “To knot”.
  • Miriam Tegels from the Netherlands is the worlds fastest knitter. She can knit 118 stitches per minute. That’s 1/10 the speed of the Singer 4411.
  • In September 2012 3,083 people knitted together for around 15 minutes in Royal Albert Hall (London).
  • It has been proven that knitting can relieve stress and chronic pain.
  • Knitting was invented in the Middle East. That’s why you often work from the right to left.
  • The longest French knitting is more than 16 miles long (26 km). and done by Edward Hannaford in Sitting bourne, UK. He started working on it in 1989 (and he is still working on it!).
  • The first sewing machine was invented as early as 1790. It played a huge part in the industrial revolution because you could speed up the process significantly compared to doing everything by hand one stitch at the time.
  • The Singer company patented the first machine in 1851.
  • In 1755 Charles Wiesenthal invents a double-pointed needle for hand sewing.
  • Cotton fabric is expected to last for around 80-90 years.
  • The zipper was invented in late 1890’s.
  • Before we invented metal pins were made from fish bones, ivory, tortoise shells, and thorns. Very creative.
  • The Singer sewing machines were the first complex product to be mass marketed. It was much more complex and sophisticated than anything that had been made on an assembly line previous to that.
  • Early sewing machines were sold from door to door and rented out from the manufactures until they were paid off.

funny sewing jokes and memes

funny truths about sewing and knitting

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